Doctor Mama Wifey WHATEVER

Today I learned a new word, columbarium, a structure used to hold the cremated remains of the deceased. 

It has been a strange few weeks. My father died in November and knowing i will never physically see him again is devastating. i have put off writing about my emotions becuase obviously i have been a mess an now that i have time to reflect and vent and all of the above I know typing helps put things back in some sort of order again. My father was sick, likely for the past year and didn’t reach out specifically for help. He also suffered from alcoholism, which masked many things. We finally forced him to go to the hospital and his gallbladder was the main issue, among many. Eventually what was suppose to be a less than 1% chance for the gallbladdder procedure complication that happened left him bleeding to death and the surgeon felt he was too high risk to try and stop the bleeding….we withdrew care the day after the procedure. Before he went to his procedure he was little groggy, but knew I was there. i told him he would be getting a “little procedure ” and it wasn’t a big deal, he would only feel little pain afterwards and I would be waiting for him afterwards. He never woke up. It was a punch in the gut. we were already making plans for him to stay with us after his hospital stay to get better, he WAS getting better. Then POOF! all our plans don’t matter anymore. 

Emotions keep swirling, guilt, denial, depression, acceptance and whatever the “5 stages of grief” are. I feel like it should be infinite stages pf grief, 5 is too simplistic.